Guest Blog: Embracing and Exiting the Cougar Life: A Tale of Discovery and Self-Acceptance
By Shannon @shaninmass on instagram & threads
When Stacey first told me about her much younger boyfriend, I thought she was nuts. What could she possibly have in common with a single dad 10 years younger than her. He isn’t worldly, he didn’t check all the usual boxes. What was she thinking?!?!
Then, I got to know him, I got to know them as a couple, and I got to know Stacey with him. Wow!! I get it!!! He is a great guy, genuine, smart and most importantly, he loves the shit out of my best friend. For the decades of our best friendship, this is the happiest I have ever seen her.
So when the opportunity came along to spend time with one of his friends, I jumped at it. I jumped head first, ignoring all of the red flags. A man 14 years my junior, never married, no children. I convinced myself it would be casual fun. I unwittingly convinced him of that, too.
The truth is, I’m not capable of casual. After several failed relationships none resulting in marriage, I was still hopeful that maybe I would find my happily ever after. I believe in love. Even though I don’t try to find it, because I fear pain.
So this younger guy….. straightforward, kind, caring, funny, easy to be with. So easy to be with. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could be myself, my weird, goofy self, without judgement. None of that exhausting charade of trying to be perfect. We talked a lot, we laughed a lot and without over sharing, our chemistry was palpable.
Suddenly, the man who had become a constant in my daily life through long video chats chose to break the news over text—reminiscent of Carrie Bradshaw's infamous Post-It note breakup. He informed me he couldn't continue our relationship. I thought our connection was deeper, and deserved a more dignified ending.
His reasons stemmed from a desire for marriage and children, aspirations incompatible with a casual relationship. Yet, our many plans for future travels and mutual understanding of exclusivity highlighted that we had both moved beyond mere casualness. It's an ironic twist—two individuals, both seeking something lasting and meaningful, couldn’t make it work.
Despite the suddenness of his decision, I had quietly hoped that the depth of our connection, our compatibility, shared dreams, and values—qualities that go beyond mere age differences—might lessen the impact of his desire for children, making it less of a deal-breaker. I believed the strength of our bond and the richness of our interactions might compensate for his yearning for kids. Regrettably, this was one challenge that couldn't be surmounted.
As a premenopausal woman who struggled with fertility, children are the one thing I don’t have to give. I longed to be a mother, but it wasn’t in the cards for me. I spent years trying to accept that hard truth, and thought that the lack of “baggage”may serve me well in my search for love. Not in this case. As someone who has also struggled with deep insecurities and rejection issues, I was devastated. I turned the dialogue inwards….What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why did he not think I was enough? It is absolutely insane that me, a strong, smart 50 year old woman, who is very aware of the amazing qualities that I possess and bring to a relationship, would revert to that mindset. But I did.
So those ignored red flags I mentioned…..
-Having children was something that was very important to him. I would never want to be the reason someone would not be able to experience parenthood.
-Crippling anxiety. I’m no doctor, but I can see it a mile away, because I have suffered from that myself.
-Crippling overthinking. Two souls who overthink can be disastrous, as I learned the hard way.
As much as I enjoyed the cougar life and the amazing human I met there, I’ve decided to leave the 36 years olds to the 36 year olds. For the time being, I will leave the cougar life to Stacey. My habit of "overthinking"—I would worry about being replaced by someone younger and more fertile—which isn't fair to anyone involved. It's these realizations that lead me to a period of self-reflection and growth. It's time for me to work on accepting myself as enough and deserving of love just as I am.
I will take some time to grieve the wonderful man I developed strong feelings for, and will always remember him fondly. For the first time in a long time I opened up my heart to the possibility of loving again, and I will be forever grateful to him for that. Then I will hold my head high, remember my worth, and never beg for someone’s love or validation.
In concluding, I must extend my deepest thanks to Stacey, who has always been my rock through heartbreak, and for granting me this public platform for my catharsis.
